If I Ever Want To Return To The World Of Corporate Retail Somebody Stop Me Please
So it hasn't escaped me that if I want my dream of owning my own bookstore to come true, I may have to return to the workforce on some level. Knowing what I'm good at, trained for, and what gives me joy, that would probably be in some sort of retail management capacity. To that end, once I rid myself of the corporate noose that was sapping my will to do much of anything, I signed up for the fabulous folks at Monster to email me the appropriate job openings. At that time, I didn't really feel like updating my resume, and posting it to their site, so I figured this was my best option. Plus it keeps me in control, which is something most good managers want, or else they wouldn't manage. Incidentally one of the reasons I left was the company wasn't really interested in letting me control much of anything, and god forbid I tried any sort of independent thought. So after a very humorous false start, in which I was being emailed everything with the word manager in the title (nurse manager, project manager, and everything else I was utterly unqualified for), I actually began receiving jobs that made sense. At least ones I was qualified for. From these exciting jobs opportunities, I have learned several things: primarily PetCo is always looking for help, secondarily most companies look for help even if they don't have any specific openings, and thirdly corporate speak still makes my skin crawl.
You see, when I first started working for the giant corporate behemoth, heretofore known as the ubiquitous B bookstore, it wasn't that corporate. Unfortunately, it gradually became more and more corporate, culminating in the hiring of my late GM. Only known as such as it gives me great pleasure to think of him as dead in the career sense, not in the actual sense. This is a rather congenial fellow, but the only thing he actually brings to the table managementwise, is an uncanny ability to translate normal language into corporate bullshit. That is assuming that corporate doublespeak is actually a management skill. It is not. Which leads me to question why someone who obviously had no people skills, nor the ability to organize himself, nor the capability to motivate anyone to do anything they weren't otherwise inclined to do, was hired in the first place? This is not to mention a complete unawareness of, or intentional disregard for, professional behavior. The only reason he could have been hired was mastering the corporate language. Any organization that would value this stupidity is not one that I would wish to be a member of.
So after I viewed a job posting for CVS, which included the phrases: "engaged store team", "build customer loyalty", and "leading by example, showing initiative, and a sense of urgency and being results driven", I realized I couldn't do it again. I am left to wonder, what could one possibly be driven by if it isn't results? And also left to state unequivocally, not a single company in America gives a shit if you are results driven. Seriously, all they care about is that you produce results. Can you produce results without being results driven? Absolutely. It's just that in those cases it tends to be the people under you busting their asses so the job gets done. One may argue that that is not you producing the results, however, this is not a distinction that many companies care about. They just want to know that they are getting the results, not that it much matters how.
It's a delightful double edged sword that those in charge can also hold you accountable for their inability to do their jobs. But that is a rant for another day, and one that I have already pretty much exhausted my ability to deliver. But that's the great thing about me, I hate injustice. I hate it most of all when it is enacted upon my person, but I imagine I am not alone in that respect. I, however, have a very long memory, and an almost epic ability to hold a grudge. But that is for another time.
Until that time is upon us, I leave you with some definitions from A Dictionary of Bullshit: A Lexicon of Corporate And Office-Speak, by Diane Law (it's a British bargain version so the quotes have a few extra q's and u's but the language is far more sarcastic than the American version so it's worth it):
business plan noun
a fantasy put forward in an attempt to hoodwink one's bank manager or a venture capitalist into signing a large, essentially blank cheque.
taking ownership verb
1. receiving something one has bought-taking delivery of a new car, for example. 2. buying into something; resigning yourself to the fact that there is a new paradigm at work and you'll be held accountable whether you give credence to the latest wave of management theory gibberish or not.
urgency, a sense of noun
1. a feeling that one is rushing to achieve something. 2. the impression that one is rushing to achieve something, all quick hand movements, earnest expressions, and bluster- the appearance demanded of workers that they should seem to care. 3. walking very rapidly around the office, in an attempt to convey one's importance.
Until I am able to realize my dream, I will instead read passages from this book and chortle loudly. Granted that will not pay the bills, but at least it will keep me warm at night.




